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| Tuesday, February 22, 2011 |
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Fcuking idiotic father is shooting away again .. why is he always doing things that make me hate him .. fml ..
That aside .. alot has happened .. maybe it has moulded me to how i'm todae ..
Saw my previous entries .. perhaps i've forgotten to update you on the "ex-friend" episode .. the friend who was proposed to in my earlier entries, she got married .. before that, we were really close friends .. it's like there's no wall, even just a thin slice, between us .. not like those i have with some other friends ..
It's my fault that it started out the way it did .. was on my b'day if i didn't remember wrongly .. she wished me happy b'dae & broke the news that she was getting married within 2 weeks & then flying off to America right after that as her husband-to-be has a job there and it was HIS dream ..
I could only blame myself & my hot-quick temper as i remembered that day when she told me how everything went wrong for her when she went to America with her husband-to-be .. I was like, was she really ready to marry him? after what he did? .. instead of congratulating her .. and i guess the words i used was harsh as i was in a bad mood (which always happen on my b'day .. as i would get all emo & disappointed that people do not wish me "happy b'day" .. lol .. i also don't know why i get this every year) and she has to choose this time to tell me ..
i am selfish .. this happy news of hers became one of those news which reminds me of things i don't have (finally admitting it is just .. don't know how to put it into words ..) .. and things which came out of me became words of jealousy which turned things ugly ..
Could not really remember what exactly what happened after that .. but i guess she got disappointed in me (as what i saw in fb) and totally left me out of her plans for marriage ..
I did apologise .. i did try to mend the crack that has appeared in our friendship .. it was all too late i guess .. i was heartbroken .. as i see how i let my emotions make me lose a close friend ..
Well .. everything has happened .. and nothing i do can reverse the situation .. that's what i tell myself everytime when i think about this ex-friend .. if i had written this earlier, i could have broke down into tears like what i did .. i thought i'd forget what happened earlier on, but i discovered that i actually remembered .. maybe i was working hard to forget everything ..
It is a huge blow to me & everything was hard to accept, digest & forget .. wana thank the friends who were there when i needed them the most ..
I have finally confessed almost everything that i still remember .. i hope i can move on from here .. it seems like i haven't really moved on when i think about the ex-friend every now & then .. but then again, maybe i had, as i was not breaking down every now & then when i wrote this, which i must have in the past .. when the wound is still fresh & stinging ..
The wound has healed .. but the scar remains, stubbornly .. forgetting really needs alot of time ..
Maybe this incident made me scared to lose another friend .. as i only have 2 more friends to lose .. oh wait .. but in the process, i've made another friend, now back to the number 3 ! hahaha !
It has been a very dear lesson that I have learnt, which costed me a huge price .. but .. come to think of it, i have also gained in the process !
It's like hitting 2 birds with 1 stone ! it's DAEBAK !!! I learned a lesson & gained a friend in return as i confided in her! hahahahaha ! Never thought of it this way though, but this is great!
Perhaps everything has been planned by the people in the clouds .. to make me treasure my friends more & make me learn the importance of controlling my bad temper ..
Maybe i've turned into a more understanding & sensitive person?
I hope i have became a better person in the process .. want to thank all things for this dear lesson learned .. thank you .. |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 5:05 AM |
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| Tuesday, January 12, 2010 |
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I think i'm REALLY starting to lose it .
the day after that fateful "last day" .. i felt really .. how do i put it? like going crazy inside? like i'm there but not really there in person? .. *sighs* .. & the best thing is .. guess what the FRIGGIN hell i did? ..
it was after work .. and supposedly .. i'm supposed to go straight home .. but .. my legs took me to a place i wanted to go to, subconsciously .. gym .. i made a HUGE detour in order to pass by the gym .. just to see if i can see him .. god .. i must be crazy .. i'm SO embarrassed to even write it down here .. to admit what crazy thing i did .. damn .. guess i'm losing it .. oh did i mention .. completely? WTF
the day after that .. i tried the stupidest "stunt" i EVER did .. EVER .. coz i kept his msg from the PT tryout .. i decided to give him a missed call .. to see whether there's this TINY chance that i'll be able to talk to him again .. god .. crazy AGAIN .. & so i did ..
and to my excitement ! he replied . oh god . i was WAY over the cloud ! there's NO word .. absolutely NO word to describe how HAPPY i felt then ! god ..
the first thing he asked was .. "u still have my number?" .. YIKES ?! YES, i still have your number .. isn't it OBVIOUS? LOL .. but i went on to explain that i had accidentally press wrongly when i wanted to delete his msg .. LMAO .. think he guessed it .. so ... again .. it was embarrassin .. WTH .. i dun even know y i put myself thru such shame HAHAHAHAHHA .. see? i'm REALLY losing it !
although it was just a mere few msgs .. i felt that he felt nothing towards me .. absolutely nothing at all .. so .. i made a HUGE decision to delete all his msgs .. so that there was NO way to communicate with him EVER again .. at that point .. i REALLY felt that i have FINALLY put this thing behind me .. FINALLY i can move on again ..
& a few days passed ..
BUT .. omggggg .. NEVER did i EVER dreamed .. even in my WILDEST dream .. that he wld add me in msn .. ohhh goddddd .. when i was SOOOO close to forgettin everything? .. wth .. but .. he did .. *sighs* .. & now he's back in my life .. goddddd ..
i really dunno whether i shld be happy or sad .. argh ! & guess wads the best thing .. he's NEVER online .. WTFFFFF .. NEVER !! ARGH !!!
PISSED .. |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 5:39 AM |
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| Wednesday, January 6, 2010 |
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I, now, understand why my friends act like they do when they break-up with their bfs ..
I, now, understand how it feels to know you might never again get to see someone who you really want to see ..
I, now, understand how some things are easier said than done ..
When i'm already thinking & acting like this when i'm not even in love .. it has got to be MUCH worse if i'm in love .. damn ..
Saw him first in a gym club, and he happened to be my assigned Personal Trainer (PT) .. It didn't occur to me that he was so damned cute at the first instance .. was just glad that i was not assigned a malay PT or a too-a-mighty-beefy PT .. ok, fine .. he did seemed cute to me at that time .. but only cute ..
when the PT session started .. i soon started to feel some electricity running around inside of me .. that's when i realised .. the more i look at him .. the more damn-ingly cute he became to appear to me .. damn ..
it wasn't that bad at the beginning though .. just felt he's REALLY cute .. coz i signed up for the 5 weeks trial, i figured it would be a total waste if it wasn't utilised .. so i went to gym about 2 times per week .. and everytime i was there, he would come talk to me .. i tried to convince myself he was doing that to get me to sign up for the PT sessions .. but, unfortunately .. his charm was way TOO strong for me to resist .. and my desperado-syndrome is acting up again .. soon i started to think he was doing that coz he is sort of interested too .. damn .. i was obviously tryin to lie to myself .. wtf ..
i mean .. he's ALL cute & EVERYTHING .. dammit .. i have to admit i'm a DAMNED "visual" person -.-" .. well, i'm only human .. i like beautiful things too .. AND .. he is DAMNED beautiful to me .. damn ..
not knowing when all these daydreams started and got worse .. he started to become my motivation to go gym .. i felt the need to see him .. damn ..
i did tried to save myself from falling deeper .. everytime he talked to me .. i tried to keep things short .. tried to act like he is just a friend i m talking to .. but deep inside .. i felt electrocuted .. to the core .. damn .. but .. it felt REALLY good .. god .. i'm mad .. but still .. it felt like .. heaven .. fine .. i'm crazy .. damn ..
All good things come to an end. it really saddens me .. alot .. to learn the fact that i'll never see him ever again after today .. let alone having to let the fact sink-in .. it hurts .. LOL .. guess i've already fell THAT deep huh .. damned .. it's hard .. but i've got to learn to let all these feelings go .. all these harbouring thoughts that will never come true .. it will be done, SURELY .. not wanting to wallow in my own despair like this anymore . knowing all these feelings .. scares me .. dun wana be in love .. ever .. but .. i know i've got to learn .. to experience .. to love .. if there ever is a chance for me .. hmm ~ definitely felt good to let it ALL out like this ! feel better already ! This infatuation is over & done with . Got to move on . THIS is ME .. MISSYWADEVER !!!
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 7:04 AM |
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| Thursday, September 10, 2009 |
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"He proposed to me" my friend suddenly broke this news to me ... and, suddenly, I didn't know how to react to that ... I only knew that I should congratulate her ... and .. so .. i did ... i couldn't say for sure how i felt EXACTLY at that point in time ... i felt kinda .. numb ...
Maybe it's shock? maybe it's .. jealousy? maybe it's ... i dunno ... haiz ... complicated ... i'm kinda tired after a day at work .. plus i felt weak coz i haven't been eating well, thanks to the HUMUNGOUS ulcer in my mouth ..
I am seriously disappointed with myself for feeling this way .. I SHOULD be HAPPY for my friend !! BUT NO !! WHY THE FREAKING HELL WAS I FEELING THE WAY I DID ?! WTF ?!
But I was SURE glad the feeling didn't last long ... DOUBLE haiz ...
It is time like this which make me DESPERATE ... REALLY wish i have a boyfriend ... someone who really lurves me for who i am ... someone who will propose to me (like wad my fren juz experienced) in time to come ... well, guess i'm really a Singaporean .. kiasu luh ... kaoz ... or maybe ... i'm becoming desperate too ... wtf ...
I am 25 single and never had a boyfriend ... how pathetic can things get ? LMAO wow ~
I guess i'm really getting desperate ... can't believe it that i'm actually picturing myself with my fren's cousin, who carries around with him a beer tummy, has a G-I joe haircut, and who looks absolutely like an uncle ... haiz ... wtf ... i guess it's ME, that i don't have a bf ? i'm really not good-looking, ppl say i look like my DAD *FUCK IT* .. and THAT can simply prove i look SERIOUSLY BAD ... but i REALLY hope to find someone who looks presentable ... i'm SUPERFICIAL ... i REALLY M ... WADEVER , THAT'S WHO I M .. FUCK ..
i'm beginning to lose faith ... i probably already lost it ... FUCK ! i feel FUCKING DEPRESSED AGAIN ?! ALL THE TEARS .. ALL THE FEARS .. ALL THE ANGER .. ALL THE DESPERATION .. ALL THE REBELLION .. FUCK THEM
i probably use all these vulgarities to cover wad i feel .. even laughing them off everytime .. i REALLY m PATHETIC .. u must be DYING to tell me to FACE reality .. and to STOP running away from wad i actually FEEL ... well .. FUCK .. FUCK .. FUCK .. BUT WAD THE FUCKING HELL .. these are probably the things that keep me SANE .. that PROTECTS myself against all these FUCKING FEELINGS .. that HELPS me be WHO I AM .. WHO I WANT TO BE .. HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE .. I LURVE VULGARITIES .. THEY ARE A FUCKING PART OF ME .. any-fucking-way, they are created to help humans express their ANGER , to VENT the ANGER OUT, AIN'T IT ?! well .. i m just saying that i m making really GOOD use of these creations ... HAHAHAHAHHAA ! I M GREAT ! WOW ~ to think i can actually make THESE FUCKING kind of EXCUSES to use vulgarities .. wtf .. whaahhahahahaa .. WADEVER ! THEY MAKE ME HAPPY *i'm SOOOOO laughing OVER HERE ! FUCK IT hahahahahha
THATS just WHO THE FUCKING HELL I AM !!! hahahahhahaa ! I ABSOLUTELY ADORES THIS FUCKING SIDE OF MYSELF ! hahahahahha .. oh no .. i'm getting REALLY vulgar !!! BUT .. FUCK .. WADEVER !!!
THIS IS ME |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 8:36 AM |
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| The After Effects of Desporadom |
| Thursday, August 13, 2009 |
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Well, in the end, i still decided to meet up with the guy .. reason? hmm .. to give him a chance .. to give myself a chance .. to give friendster one more chance before i will totally ignore these kind of bullshits .. hmm .. and .. maybe .. to end all of these ..
To say that i was nervous, was an understatement, i was practically turning anorextic from trying to ignore the fact that i was going to meet the guy that night .. haahahhaaa WTH ! I had NO appetite for the whole day & I really felt like puking by the end of it, I'm telling you ! This is no lie ~ haha ! It is SO funny coming to think of it now !
He decided to have dinner at some place call "Sun & Moon", it's a jap restaurant by the way. And guess what? He only made the decision the night before .. which made me pissed cause i hate to make decision, and he kept asking "where do you want to go?" .. *fcuk!* juz give me some restaurants suggestion and let me choose lah ! Apparently, it shows that he is inexperienced *dotz* .. Anyway what's the thing with "first meet up" & "Jap restaurant"? I have been going out with a few guys now , and they ALWAYS suggests to meet at Jap restaurant .. which i am pretty much detesting now .. LOL !
And, so, we met at wheelock place and went to Sun & Moon for dinner. At first look, he doesn't seems to be that bad .. but .. unfortunately .. he looks ..well .. below average .. considering the sample of guys out there in orchard at that point in time .. haha ! And he was wearing .. pink .. eewww ~ maybe it's just me ? but pink is realli TOO .. soft for my liking .. PLUS ! He is NOT even sure where the hell is the restaurant ! And i, who checked out the place on the net, have to tell him the restaurant is on the 3rd floor .. *fcuk!* Helloooo ? Shouldn't he have made sure he knew where the place is before he suggests the place?! *fcuk!* seriously ! Once again, emphasizing his inexperience-ness *dotz*
As we sat down at the restaurant, I discovered his teeth is .. not crooked .. but .. how do i describe it? hmm .. not tidy? as in some are in & some are out? And they are sort of judding outwards .. so .. it's not a really nice sight adding on to his pink shirt .. eeewwww ~ It's not really comfortable coz he doesn't seem to want to start anything to talk about .. and i have to keep talking & talking & talking .. coz i feel more comfy that way? rather than sit there and having him STARE at ME the WHOLE time .. THAT's another thing .. he kept LOOKING at me .. which really make me want to tell him off .. something like "It's RUDE to STARE !" .. WTH !
Then, on a few occasion, he wanted to touch my face .. erm .. it's like WHO are YOU to touch MY face ?! He is SOOOO touchy and i hate it .. *opps! wrong move you arsehole ~ move on plssss* .. So i just brushed his hands off, sat back and crossed my arms .. I thought that was like a universal body language to say "back off" ? but .. he just doesn't seem to get it .. WTF ?
The fact is .. I am still currently in my "anorextic" condition, which unfortunately, still have yet to subside .. so the food, no matter how fantastic it was, was not going to improve anything .. the Yakisoba was a bit dry, but it's still edible .. the chicken slices was SO oily, it only took me just 1 slice to make me feel like puking ..
My Verdict of "Sun & Moon":
- Ambience: 6.5 / 10
(It was only ok compared to the other Jap restaurants i went to for company dinner & lunch)
- Food: 3 / 10
(The food was really bad, considering the prices .. it only took a piece of the oily chicken slices
to make me want to fail the entire restaurant .. but, then again, my "anorexia" condition might
be part of the reason too. So, too bad.)
- Service: 5 / 10
(For such a restaurant, the service barely scrap pass my average standard. Even Macdonalds
beat them to it. It's a Jap restaurant, shouldn't they be more welcoming? I, myself, did NOT
hear any "Irashaimase" from any of them. The only thing that i heard was "This way please ..
". Haha ! & you call THIS a Jap restaurant? Wanted to fail them, but the cute guy, who said
"arigato gozaimasu~" when we were about to leave, saved the restaurant. Yes, it was that
bad.)
So, all in all, i don't think i will EVER visit that restaurant again .. unless it's for company dinner, which I don't have a chance to say "no" hahaha !
As I felt that he would not be talking that much even if we were to sit there and "chat", and I was already getting sick of digging up things to start another conversation with .. I suggested to go shopping, since he doesn't mind going shopping with me ..
But, I would have NEVER guessed he was such a sloooooow walker .. mygodddd ! He was practically travelling at snail speed while i was zooming around ecstatically .. well , you can't blame me .. It was my first time visiting the much talked about shopping mall - ION ! AND there were SO many NEW shops which i have NOT seen before !!! Ooohhhh I really am a DAMNED shopaholic wahahaa !!!
It definitely did NOT felt good .. wanted to try out a few pieces of Oh!sogood! fashion pieces .. but i was paiseh to make him wait .. so i made mental notes to come try them another day, which was starting to give me memory overload as there were SO MANY of THEM !!! PLUS the fact that he was practically dragging his feet and lagging ALL the WAY behind .. WTF !! And this is called shopping with MOI ?! NO ! He CAN'T keep UP ! It felt as if i was carrying a thousand tonne backpack which was constantly slowing me down, and which i CAN'T wait to just throw it away & take-off !!!
Then, he made the stupidest comment EVER ! He asked "oh! You know where all the shops are!" .. LMAO .. I DON'T call myself a friggin' SHOPAHOLIC for NOTHING ! I mean , come on la, if you shop at Orchard, you would eventually know where all the shops are, wouldn't you? HE is a FREAK who lives at the bottom of a well, somewhere, I am SURE of it NOW. MYGOD .. that's when i decided .. its IMPOSSIBLE between us .. no matter how hardworking he is in trying to get me .. nah uh .. NO guy with this kind of level is going to get ME ..
After sometime, when my enthusiasm starts to wear out, very rapidly this time due to the thousand tonne backpack which i have not managed to shake-off, i felt its time to head home coz it was REALLY boring -.-" Then i decided to take a taxi back, coz i was too tired (after carrying the thousand tonne backpack for about 2 hours, imagine that) to take any other form of transport.
When i told him i wanted to take a taxi back home, another "amazing" comment just sprang out of nowhere .. "wow ~ you are rich .." .. so i replied : " uh huh ! I am DAMN rich ~" .. WTF ! He doesn't know just how tiring it was to go out with him luh !
Then, he accompanied me to the taxi stand .. and .. he wanted to send me back .. LOL ! like i would let him do that ?! Kaoz .. another minute spend with him i am going to go mad, seriously .. and I definitely wouldn't want him to know exactly where i stay lor !!! NO friggin' way ! BUT, he insisted, and i got pissed .. so in the end i won & took a taxi back MYSELF . Out of a corner of my eye, I saw him walk away from the taxi stand, so in the end, he still wanted to take a bus home .. KIAM SIAP LOR !!!
There was no way of describing how relaxing i felt when the taxi eventually left the place .. guess i was under alot of pressure and it just vanished in a *POOF!* when i knew it was ALL over .. coz i have even both of us a chance .. and I knew for sure nothings going to work out .. LOL ! why did i even let such stuff make me feel this way ?! stupid, stupid .. STUPID !
Perhaps it's peer pressure? Hmm ... is this how u use the word? aiya, wadever .. I see my frenz getting married, getting in & out of relationship .. I see even the impossible people getting attached .. maybe that's why i wanted to give this opportunity a chance .. hoping it might actually work out? Hoping that i would finally find that special someone too? I guess that's where all the pressure starts to ooze into my life, and that is why I gave this guy a chance, although he made me feel quesy from the start .. It's not true that i didn't like him .. sometimes the things he says does makes me happy .. I liked the way he made my quiet mobile, much noisier .. those are things i that i am going to miss .. but I really hope I can forget them as quickly as they appeared ..
Last night, when all my emotions are still very strong from what has just happened, I even felt that guys are disgusting coz the only thing they think about is intimacy .. the way he wanted to touch my face? the way he is standing too close for my comfort? .. come to think of it .. it is STILL disgusting .. I even felt that I don't need anyone else to bring out the best in me, that I am really the best, who I am right now .. single & free ! Even the thought of staying single ALL my life crossed my mind ..
Maybe that's going to happen cause i feel SO much better without any guy at the moment .. or maybe not coz of "peer pressure"?
Perhaps I am destined to be like this? Maybe I am too stubborn and never try to change myself .. maybe it's the guys i meet ..
There are so many possibilities .. that I dun think i can understand right now ..
whatever it is .. whatever will be ..
WADEVER LA !!! THIS JUST DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME ANYMORE ! TOO WEAK !
ar ... much better ahahahhahahaha !
WADEVER ~ * |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 6:29 PM |
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| WHY in the WORLD did i put MYself in such a situation AGAIN ?! |
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Some stubborn people juz dun seem to learn their lesson .. stubborn people like me ..
I already know how friggin' disaster-ific things will get when i accept a friend request from Friendster .. BUT i STILL did it .. talk bout desperadom .. & ego-ism .. DOTZ ..
WHAT the HELL was i thinking?
Things are realli gettin .. well, disaster-ific .. DUH ~
He seems to REALLI like me .. as in REALLI REALLI REALLI like me?
But I am still keeping my distance .. wads holding me back exactly?
hmm ... his looks? his char? his mushie lang?
On second thought .. could the problem juz lies in myself? i m NOT confident .. definitely NOT .. & i didn't want to admit it .. i m scared ..
wow .. since when had MiSsY WaDeVeR felt THIS way?
Y should MiSsY WaDeVeR be SO afraid? i didn't even lead him on .. ok .. maybe i flirted abit .. FINE ! i AM regretting that OK?
haiz .. WTF ! i need my beauty sleep
ARGHv !!!! |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 8:30 AM |
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| FUCKINGLY IDIOTIC FATHER !!! |
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I am like emitting enough heat to set-off a fire-extinguishing-sprinkler .. ARGH !!
Fucking father is .. well .. being Fuckingly Fuckotic.
I HATE him ! ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM !!
FUCK HIM !!
The way he talks about me .. about the stuff i do .. ANYTHING bout me AT ALL .. is like Fuckily IDIOTIC !!
"u noe why that comp is so lag? & why no one wans to use it? coz that pig-head (i.e. translate that to chinese .. & by the way, he was refering to 'ME') go download all the STUPID things in that comp.."
THAT was the EXACT WORDS he SAID when talking to his "pet" - my bro.
WTFF !!!
I am like SO at my BOILING POINT RIGHT THIS INSTANT !!
Regretting SO MUCH not going to M'sia with my aunts *sobz* regret .. regret .. regret ..
But WTF, i was feeling like burning up this morning .. it doesn't feel like a fever, mind you .. i tink i ate too many heaty stuffs or it might have been the alcohol from last night ..
ARGH !!
I really CAN'T stand him .. especially the FUCKING way he SPEAKS ! his FUCKING voice juz makes me wan to BITCH SLAP HIM !! Yeesh ! FUCK HIM !
My mom keeps on saying things like "haiyo .. dun be like this .. he loves you very much you know .."
FUCK HIM ! WTFF ! MY BLOODIE ARSE ! HATE HIM !
Feel like escaping from my house right now .. but still feeling the burning up .. sianded ..
Being in the same house with him is just FUCKINGLY DISGUSTING !! EEEEWWWWWW! FUCK HIM ! (i know i m being absolutely crude .. but WTFF ! FUCK HIM ! .. sorry can't help it hahahahhahaha)
If i am going to take the same cab with him to my grandma house .. I WILL DIE !
Why?! coz i will hold my breath ALL THE FUCKING WAY from my house to grandma house ..
WHY?! coz i REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to breathe in the SAME FUCKING air he breathes !!! FUCKING DISGUSTING !! ARGH ARGH ARGH !!
THIS is how much i LOATHE him ! FUCK HIM !!
WADEVER !! arh ~ feel SO much better now .. FUCK HIM ! WAHAHAHAHHAHAHA ! |
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| (+*MissWaTeVeR*+) ♥ 8:29 PM |
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